what does it mean to do something out of obligation? for so long, i’ve been worried about the nature of my relationship with anyone, everyone. do they genuinely like me for who i am? do they truly enjoy my company? (because sick raeann believes: what is there to like?) are they being nice to me because they don’t have a choice? i have a (terrible!horrible!) delusion, that everyone who loves me does so out of kindness. out of obligation.
i am afraid of having a voice. i am afraid of voluntarily sharing things about myself, of telling others about my needs. i’m afraid of needing anything, even though the act of needing is in itself a basic human need. i wonder if there are people who genuinely want to listen to what i have to say. how do you tell if someone does? the line between rationality and delusion can get a little blurry.
i tend to dehumanise myself. last year, Z asked me what i thought of myself. sick raeann said, a monster. a parasite. sometimes i forget that i am not. this year, i hurt someone by saying that everyone around me would be happier if i wasn’t here. i’d indirectly rejected everyone’s love with that one line.
today, i opened up to a (veryveryvery)good friend about what i’ve been thinking about, and she reminded me that love is never obliging. you cannot be obliged to give love. and so, i must learn how to receive it. (REMEMBER THIS raeann)
i (and everyone) deserves to be loved.
a face in the crowd 