the first time i read about glimmers i started noticing them everywhere. the light that weaves in and out of the leaves and casts itself on the concrete floor. the common tiger butterfly that hovers over the golden bells and flits in and out of my vision. the first time i read about glimmers, i realised my awe and wonder for the world.

it takes an intentional focus to find them, especially for a mind automatically attuned to the ugly. it is easy to immerse myself in the disjointedness of a disappointing conversation, the pangs of loneliness on darker days. but once i started looking for glimmers, my cynical heart began to fade.

it is fleeting, and not before long, the storm clouds descend. but i will hinge on these rare moments of joy, and remind myself, on difficult days, of the peace i once felt watching the waves ebb and flow, the comfort i once felt breathing in my mum’s peppermint essential oil, the catharsis i once felt listening to my favourite phoebe bridgers song.

❤

i turn 21 today :o)

when i was a child, my birthday was always a great source of excitement. i would wake up giddy with happiness, full of anticipation. i thought my birthday was worth celebrating, and by extension, that i was worth celebrating.

in the midst of my transition from childhood to adulthood however i started intensely dreading my birthday. why would i look forward to celebrating my life when i did not want to exist, did not deserve to exist? i spent my most pivotal birthday—eighteen—in the hospital. at that point in time i felt so far removed from the adult i wanted to be.

but the passage of time which i was trying so hard to run away from would also be the time that brought me healing. i returned home. i met up with friends again. i went back to school. i grew in faith. 19 was still painful, but 20 went by relatively gently, quietly. and now here i am, at 21, sometimes almost feeling the same excitement about turning a year older that i did as a child.

but… i still have a long way to go. most days are still spent curled up in (figurative) cocoons made of swathes of baby powder-scented cotton, my jesus plushie tightly against my chest. most days are spent lost in the greyscale of a rainy day, thoughts floating amongst the thunderclouds where not even the most pleasant scent of petrichor can ground me.

most days i still struggle a struggle that i did not choose but is unfortunately mine to fight. but i am living for the hope that maybe this elusive childlike excitement will return. the gentle light that strays and vanishes and returns.

oh, i am living for the hope of it all! and in my 21st year on earth, one that should be filled with freedom, independence and adulting haha… i pray for unbridled, wonder-filled, authentic joy.

when i was younger, i prided myself on being able to always see the good in people. i constructed an inner world of much amazement and wonder. but the truth is that there was always some skepticism playing out in the background and i just stubbornly refused to acknowledge it. i vehemently believed that everyone did good things (for me) out of kindness. i was extremely afraid to think otherwise.

as the years passed and the depression intensified, the scale tipped. i started questioning everyone around me, worrying about secret judgement and hidden motives. it was like a seed of cynicism was planted deep within me and my eyes were opened to a world of doubt and paranoia.

i still struggle with this today. fearing that compliments are false or that kind acts are done begrudgingly really affects my ability to form a genuine connection with someone else. i desperately want younger raeann’s optimism back, but for some reason i can’t look away from this new set of lenses i’ve been given.

i believe that things, when learnt, cannot be unlearned. but i also believe that things can be relearned. while i may never shake off this skepticism completely, i can relearn how to be optimistic again. to take the leap of faith and trust that god would surround me with the best people.

i suppose the goal in mind is to be a skeptical optimist! it is not fair to others and to myself to continue letting myself get tangled up in this web of false beliefs.

you guys are deserving of my trust. and… and… i am deserving of your love.

2024! i cower with fear at the thought of the new year. i know it signifies new beginnings, but to me it just reminds me that i have yet another year to struggle through. it’s quite a pessimistic view but it is what it is.

with ‘a’ levels coming up, this year is really going to test my limits. i am not sure if i am ready to handle that kind of stress. i am thrust into icy-cold water.

i know that i can deviate from the path if i need to, but i am still going to try my best to stick to my current plan. i will push myself, but if things start to crumble, i will let myself try something else. it is scary to potentially enter uncharted waters, but if i have to, i will.

i am afraid that sick raeann will resurface (she has been lately) and that everything i’ve painstakingly built for myself will fall apart. but i know that growth often comes in unconventional forms, and there is no way to reverse the growth i’ve gone through. it occurs silently, naturally, slowly.

my main goal this year is to not be afraid to go at my own pace; to be a grow-getter, not a go-getter :o)

here i am, pen hovering over paper.

here i am, fingers poised over a keyboard.

i watch the world go by. observing, thinking, feeling. i see poetry in most things, most people.

i wonder if anyone finds beauty in my words. i wonder if anyone truly loves me for who i am.

i wonder if anyone sees poetry in me.

not good! i am not feeling good. i’ve been thinking about it again. dreaming about it. when the night comes and i am all alone, i fall down, down, down, into the rabbit hole. i’ve (very reluctantly) had to wake my mother up twice this week because i felt like i was in real Danger. it’s been a while since i’ve felt this way.

when i am at my worst, i immediately forget how to pray. it’s the moments i need god the most do i feel most far away from him. it is so easy to give thanks, to praise him for the good that occurs in my life; it is for some reason so much harder to seek strength from him when things get hard. right now i feel like the divide between us is so great, the chasm so wide. i can barely feel his presence.

are you there, god? it’s me, raeann.

i wonder if god knows how hard i am fighting for my life each night. how tempted i am to go home to him soon. i hope he sees and hears me even when no one else has the capacity to.

i’m praying what i’m doing now is worth it.

i’m praying what i’m doing now is enough.

it’s only when things starts manifesting physically that alarm bells get sounded.

the bruises on your knuckles. the injury on your forehead, the gaping wounds on your arms.

sure, it was about the pain. but it was also about being seen. it was about having a visual representation of the turmoil inside. it was the hope i harboured that maybe, someone would care.

it’s been a while since i’ve resorted to hurting myself. in some ways, i think it’s me healing, me growing up. me learning that i have a voice, a voice that can say “i need help, could you help me?” most times i’m still too afraid to ask. but it is comforting to have the knowledge that i could maybe lean on someone—

when i’m ready.

(…) i have been feeling particularly melancholic since wednesday. i can’t get out of bed, can’t eat much. the Bad Thoughts are creeping in, suggesting that i do all sorts of things to myself. i’m trying my best to fight them off.

(!!!) it is rather frightening because just a few days ago i was feeling so Euphoric. i stayed up all night reading and feverishly writing poetry. my mind was working so fast that when i closed my eyes, i could in my mind’s eye watch my thoughts visually, like i was watching a video in 5x speed. it was very peculiar.

this isn’t the first time this swing (?) has happened, but i’m still feeling very disturbed and worried that there is something really, really <wrong> with me. i wonder why i’m so afraid of being next to normal.

i’m hoping these intense feelings subside soon… i’m definitely going to take a walk tomorrow. :”)

my mind is at its best.

there’s something so calming about listening to my portable fan whir. something so soothing about watching my hung-up paper cranes dance mid-air. i know that some people tend to feel emotionally fragile on a sleepless night. but for some reason, i feel at my best when it is dark, save for my warm fairy lights. when i can hear the slow steady breaths of the people around me. when my mind is not filled with negative chatter, and my thoughts flow easily onto paper.

i think the main reason why this is so is that i am fully Myself when everyone around me is asleep. i am not a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student. i am stripped of all my roles. i don’t have to worry about how someone else would perceive me, about how inadequate i am in relation to other people. at night, everyone is suddenly obscured and in the shadows.

i wish i could replicate this calmness and clarity of mind in the daytime. i wish i could feel safe enough to be authentic around other people. i still don’t quite know how to.

so for now, i will appreciate my sacred nights alone.

i’m virtually done with school for the year!! there is a sense of relief of course, but there is also a dread that i cannot ignore. it gnaws at me, perpetually stewing in the back of my mind. i check my phone compulsively in a last ditch effort to distract myself but it is ever-present.

i’ve been trying to grant myself rest because i am pretty mentally drained from the exams. but whenever i spend time idling, i feel guilt,, an intense guilt that ripples through my body.

<there is so much more you could be doing. you need to work harder. you need to make up for your inadequacy.>

i can’t find it in me to be content with where i’m at. for as long as i can remember i’ve always felt like i could do more. that i could be better. that my current state is not enough. i am constantly comparing myself to others, berating myself for not being on par with my peers. it’s getting quite tiring.

it is difficult to coax myself into ignoring these distorted beliefs. objectively, i know that i’ve come a long way. i spent two years absolutely detached from society, and 2022 raeann would never have expected herself to survive a year’s worth of school after her time away. but somehow… i did.

it is progress. perhaps it isn’t enough, but it is progress nevertheless. progress that i cannot discount.

in a world where people tend to be discontent with themselves and strive to improve as much as they can in the shortest amount of time possible, i can still choose to march to the beat of my own drum. i can still choose to not participate in the rat race. this choice is not one birthed from inadequacy or incompetence. it is a choice of wisdom (understanding your limitations) and of bravery (choosing to go against the grain). it is a choice i am reluctant to make, but one that i recognise is necessary for myself.

i still am going to do what i can. but i am going to choose to acknowledge when i have tried my best, and accept the pace that i’m going at, however slow it may be.

i may not do the best next year.! but, i’m hoping that with this resolve, things will start to look up :>