i am turning seventeen on friday and i am confused. birthdays are very confusing. what am i even supposed to feel on my birthday? it feels strange to celebrate… yourself.
but i guess i don’t have to if i don’t want to. i never really know what to do when people start singing and everyone is looking at you. it’s strangely uncomfortable but nevertheless i appreciate it very much. i think, maybe i’m just embarrassed.
i am very bad at receiving compliments of any sort and i’ve realised how unhealthy it is. today i received notes and cards from friends and reading them made me feel touched but at the same time embarrassed (?) it feels strange to read nice things about you. it’s one thing to give love, it’s another to receive it. i am just very, very bad at receiving love, i think. for some reason i subconsciously find it… humiliating? i don’t know.
(you can’t receive love if you don’t even love yourself. you will hold a shield up against yourself, deflecting all the love that comes your way, because to you, you don’t deserve it. i think i understand it now, why you need to love yourself first.)
the idea of self-love still makes me shudder. i guess it is difficult to swing to the other extreme when self-hatred is all you’ve known for a while now. maybe i don’t have to love myself. maybe it’s okay that i just find myself… acceptable. i am not a great person, but i am not particularly bad either. i am… okay. and for now i hope that is enough.
a face in the crowd 