3am

i keep waking up in the middle of the night lately, always around three in the morning. how odd! it is 2.52am right now and i am wide awake, hahaha. my chest feels funny and for some reason it’s hard to breathe, but at the same time it feels nice, because it is dark and it is calm.

sleep has never been a friend. tonight, i am reminded of sibu. on the first day, at pulau kukus, i woke up abruptly at 2am. my friends in my tent were asleep and i was shaking silently. i was feeling Afraid, and Alone. i guess these are the two emotions i’m feeling now too. i sat in the tent for a while, but after some time all i could notice was how hot and cramped it felt, how small and stifling this little space was. i slipped out of the tent and sat by the sea for about an hour or so. i listened to the tide ebb and flow, my breath in sync with the waves.

we are all stuck in tents lately, and i’m not sure why i keep staying in mine. there’s no one stopping me, but me. every morning i wake up, thinking to myself, “today is the day i will leave”. for some reason i never do. i think i’m afraid of the vastness of the Outside. it’s like i am both claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time.

but that’s very silly! there is nothing to fear! why am i afraid of where i belong? the earth (all of it…) is our Home and it is silly that i’m afraid of even crossing the road. why do i keep worrying that i have no place in this world? i am human. i am human. i belong.

tomorrow, i will (definitely) go on a walk.