it’s the beginning of the september holidays; yet another week-long break from school. i don’t really know how to spend relatively long stretches of time on my own. there is so much freedom… to do good, helpful things, but also bad unhelpful habits that are hard to break. the tubular arm bandage has become a friend once again. an abusive relationship >:O
time is so strange. i think i am jay gatsby, obsessed with time. the new day overwhelms me because i am rooted in my past experiences/mistakes. “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”…
it’s difficult to spend time alone. discounting social anxiety, i find that i am often happier when spending time with someone else, largely because there is a soothing Rational Voice (that isn’t mine) with me. but i know that i need to develop a Rational Voice of my own, one that counters the sick one: a discourse within my mind, a relentless back-and-forth until real raeann emerges triumphant one day…! it will take Time…
… more than a week, definitely. >_< but maybe this week alone will be helpful, somehow.
a face in the crowd 