a realisation: i tend to look at my life like it is one big domino effect, that everything has a consequence. that one wrong choice, one wrong word or action or gesture will lead me down the wrong path permanently. i am paralysed with fear and instead of fighting or fleeing because <i just can’t decide!>, i choose to freeze in place. i choose to wallow in my feelings and mull over the same thoughts, over and over again, hoping that i will reach a conclusion, somehow.
but life doesn’t work that way. life needs to be lived and not just… thought about. life is as concrete as it is abstract. i don’t actively appreciate the little things as much as i actually think about them. i love the sky, and the clouds, and the trees, but i don’t spend much time actually looking and listening and feeling. my mind is always somewhere far, far away. an out-of-body experience within the body itself.
i shall try to live tonight…! i shall lie in bed and feel the softness of the mattress, listen to the whirring of the ac, watch the candle flicker. i want to relearn how to experience good things again.
a face in the crowd 