adulthood(?)

it has been six months since i’ve written anything on this blog, and a lot has changed; the most significant being the fact that i am now eighteen— a young adult!

it is scary to think of myself as an adult when for the past seventeen years of my life, i have thought of myself as a child. this is new, unknown territory. as someone who relies heavily on national healthcare services, it also means a gradual transition from child/adolescent services to adult ones. i have been in and out of the child and adolescent psychiatric ward the past six months; now, if i ever have to be inpatient again, i’ll be admitted to the adult ward (with unfamiliar faces). it is all very daunting.

for a long time i refused to accept that i was now eighteen; for a long time i feared growing up. i had the false perception that adulthood meant complete independence and self-reliance; that alarmed me greatly. i felt, and still feel, very much like a child. deep inside i want to be coddled; deep inside i want my hand to be held; i want someone to walk with me as i embark on this perilous journey called life. i was afraid that the support i had would wane now that i was supposedly an adult. but i was wrong.

eighteen is symbolic, but ultimately just a number. no one is going to walk away just because i’m eighteen — that is the horrid, dreadful !anxiety monster! talking. people deserve all the love, care and support they need, at any age— i am not an exception.

i am still very, very, very scared, and that is okay! time is not the enemy; with time i will grow, with time i will learn. :”