filth!

it is nighttime, and i am Filthy. my face is greasy and sticky, my hands are clammy. i feel like i am caked in dirt, although i just took a shower some time ago. i’ve been feeling this quite often.

and maybe i am overthinking it, but i do believe that this is a metaphor for how filthy i feel on the Inside. i thought i had gotten over it, but last saturday i felt filthy, so filthy that i was on the cusp of breaking my vow to myself. and today, i feel the same way. there is so much sinister chatter in my head, so many voices telling me how acutely broken i am. my heart feels strange and fluttery. i am fighting the urge to run to the bathroom and scrub at my skin until it’s pink and raw.

but i know that it won’t make me any cleaner, any purer. i am disgusting, abhorrent, repulsive… there are so many words i could use to describe myself. R told me that i cannot out-sin God’s grace and yet it often feels like i am doing just that. i know, rationally, that the almighty God has power over sin, and that i am no longer a slave to sin with the cross. but truthfully, this is just head knowledge. it doesn’t feel real to me.

whenever i feel God’s overflowing love, i bawl my eyes out. i am still desperately trying to deflect His love because of how undeserving i feel i am. my kingdom friends have been very patient with me, trying to explain how i need to learn to embrace the gospel of grace and accept this love. but it feels like a violation. and i don’t know what to do.

a life devoid of love is not a life worth living. i am sabotaging myself yet i can’t seem to stop. i am writing this in hopes of coming to a satisfactory conclusion, but i still can’t find one. as i write this, my eyes turn hot. i am afraid. God, i am sorry. God, please help me. i don’t deserve it, but i am selfishly desperate.

i want to see the sunrise again.

please, if it is Your will, please keep me safe.