i lost it on wednesday. i told dad that i was going to water the plants. watering can in hand i shut the front gate, stood in the corridor, and willed myself to do it. kiko sensed something was wrong. she barked frantically, scratched at the door desperately. i turned around and looked at her.
i just couldn’t.
i slunk back into the house in defeat.
the ride to the emergency room was silent; there is no appropriate music for moments like these. i sat in the passenger’s seat, dazed. i held onto a small bag with three items: my facial cleanser, my mum’s bible, and my ic. i thought to myself: i wonder how long they’ll keep me in this time. when we arrived at the door, the nurse asked: why are you here? i kept quiet. i couldn’t meet her eyes. same old raeann, here for the same reasons as always.
we waited in the small, packed waiting area. suddenly, there was a commotion towards my right. a distressed patient stood at the door, surrounded by nurses. just let me go home! she screamed. at that very moment i had flashbacks of all the physical fights and shouting matches between patients and staff that occurred during my numerous stays here. i can’t possibly deal with this again.
i turned to dad. let’s go home. and with some negotiation and convincing, we went our way. the kind nurse squeezed my shoulder. come back if you need to.
it’s been two days, and i haven’t needed to.
somehow, these two days have been pretty uneventful. i was so certain i was going to do something when i prepared my note, leaving it to stew in my drafts. but for some reason, God kept me safe. and while i still think about wednesday with a tinge of regret, chastising myself for not taking the plunge, i think a part of me is relieved i didn’t.
it has been a difficult and scary week, and i am afraid of what is to come. i am afraid of potential trips to the eroom. i am afraid of full-fledged relapse. although i believe that our God is a God of miracles, deep down i don’t believe He can fully heal me. i harbour a lot of fear. and it’s this one fear that i have trouble surrendering over to God. i’m hoping that i will find clarity about this during conference next week.
i’m still a little shaken by what has happened, and there are lots of things i have yet to process. but for now raeann, you shall take it slow. as trite as it sounds, take it one day at a time. with time my wounds shall heal.
it’s time to go to bed! and tomorrow… we shall fight again.
a face in the crowd 