friendship politics

i think i may have hurt someone with my words today. as someone who feels comfortable around words, i sure am not very good with them. i gave her a compliment and it was misunderstood as a confrontation..(?) i accidentally made her feel vulnerable, even though that wasn’t the intention at all. :<

friendships are so tricky. it feels like i never know what to say, when to say. am i bothering this person too much, or am i being too aloof? should i tease her, or should i keep my snarky jokes to myself and just be nice? i think i overthink every tiny interaction i have with someone else. i hope what i do or say doesn’t make a lasting impact and yet at the same time, it would be scary if i didn’t make one at all. i wonder if this comment makes a difference. i wonder if that text meant anything. maybe it’s easier to not talk at all.

i tried that before. when i was young, i refused to talk to people i didn’t know. i think i had selective mutism of some sort (?) i was afraid to greet uncles/aunts, i could barely say “新年快乐” to certain relatives without bursting into tears. when i was seven, it took me almost a year to say a single word to my abacus teacher. i remember how proud she was then, giving me a huge smile and a high five. all because i said a simple hello.

things have gotten better, but i still struggle with talking to people a lot of the time. and it’s especially hard this year because i am thrust into an environment with new people, where no one knows my name and i know no one’s. my class of 25 feels so big, too big. i miss secondary school, when there were fourteen people in my class. when i knew everyone, and everyone knew me. but i have to remember that i walked into that class not knowing most of them too. it took time for me to be as close as i am to them now. it always takes time.

i am terrible at confrontation and maybe that’s why i go to such extreme lengths to avoid it. i hate the idea of being a cause of conflict or unhappiness… :_( i think that’s why i overthink everything so much. i don’t want to spread negativity. if i could survive this way, i would keep every ounce of my poisoned thoughts within my brain.

but man is by nature a social animal!!!! if i keep everything to myself i would probably implode. i think that’s why i enjoy writing here so much. it’s so cathartic. :>

(two steps forward, one step back, but two steps forward again. )