joy of learning?

somewhere along the way, i’ve lost my joy of learning. tonight i have two econs essays to write, several history worksheets to complete, a poem to analyse, math notes to read… i am tired. i wonder when schoolwork became synonymous with torture.

it wasn’t always like this. schoolwork has never felt so painful until in recent years. i used to find joy in learning something new, mulling over it in my head and thinking, “oh wow that makes sense!” i wonder where that satisfaction has gone.

i think i’ve subconsciously forgotten what learning is supposed to be like. learning isn’t just about the grade— i say it all the time, and yet i’ve never fully internalised it. i tell others to find joy in learning, to not hate school so much, when in reality i detested school, i detested the tests (haha), i detested the homework. school became nothing but an unbearably annoying chore, alongside folding the laundry or doing the dishes.

for so long i ignored the fact that i couldn’t really find meaning in going to school anymore. i went on auto-pilot, learning things not because i felt like i needed/wanted to, but because i had to. the only reason i was still studying was for the grade. and when my grades started slipping, that’s when everything spiralled.

i have developed an obsession with perfection. every word i write has to be perfect. i have to understand everything i read perfectly. if i can’t do something perfectly, i don’t see the point in doing it at all. i think in an extreme, all-or-nothing way and this has made me ill. but there is no room for perfection in learning. learning is about failing, about making mistakes and trying again. learning isn’t supposed to be easy. i am bolding it so i can look back on this and remember >:•( sigh.

i have learnt to be perfectionistic and it’s something i need to unlearn. i think unlearning might be even harder than learning… i will be patient with myself, because even while unlearning, i will inevitably make mistakes too.(there’s no room for perfection in unlearning).

i hope i get my joy of learning back soon.