i wonder if i’ll ever be good enough for myself. i’ve been underperforming consistently for the past two years and the guilt of being unable to maximise my own potential has been getting to me. (the guilt, it …sits on my shoulders…) i know i can be doing better, and i know i am letting people down. i used to be somewhat ambitious but not anymore. i am relieved when i scrape a pass on a test, or when i manage to lug myself to school. i’m quite proud of myself for surviving the past seven months. i’m proud of my (almost perfect) attendance.
but i am surrounded by people who are striving for the best and it feels wrong to be celebrating little victories. the anguish i’m experiencing feels so wrong and it makes me so ashamed. is it okay if my goal for this year is to just survive? i don’t particularly want any As (though they would be nice). i mostly just want to feel Okay again.
i don’t really know why i’m crying oops! in hindsight, i think i have come quite a long way. :> i don’t know why i’m so desperate for validation when i Know that i am Definitely better now. maybe it’s because i’ve been feeling a little lonely.
i’ve been carrying two years’ worth of guilt on my shoulders. i will try my !best! this year, and hopefully ‘two’ won’t turn into ‘three’. (& if it does, i will try again next year.) i am not alone, i am not alone.
(thank you for being here with me.)
a face in the crowd 
hey somewhat coincidentally i was just thinking about… idk people’s ambitions in general when i was showering haha and wondering what most people work towards. i thinkk it changes at different points in our lives and different goals work/don’t work in different situations. i think it’s okay to have “lower ambitions” than the people around you… i mean that’s something i learnt for myself at least. recently i’ve been performing below expectations too… but that’s just the recent past i guess, and maybe we’re not performing at our “peak” yet, but it’s only a yet, and there’s still time yet, there’s still time to get better ! i guess that’s what life’s about in most cases and better is just different for different people at different times… now i’m just rambling
it’s great that things are better now and it’s great that you are better :> (you are better!) and i think it’s only human to want validation or feel lonely… or maybe school is just particularly good at making people feel that way, i don’t know
(and i’m sorry i actually suck at talking in real life HAHA honestlyy gosh but… if you ever have the time to / just want to talk about any random thing at all ~)
it was nice to read this, and you make me feel like writing too 🙂 good night and (wow tmr is friday already?) have a good friday!
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let’s meet sooo:o)n !!! ! ! ! ! ! i’m so glad the week is ending ! i hope you’re been doing good! i will read your telegrams soon HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
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thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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