zzz

something about the night, something about the darkness and the silence and the solitude, amplifies the Noise inside my brain. this Noise hurts deeply. the truth is, i am beyond tired. i want, desperately, to cut the lone thread i am hanging by. but for better or for worse, something is holding me back.

i am experiencing a messy amalgamation of emotions, and i am unsure if i can verbalise what i’m feeling. all i know is, i crave a respite from Consciousness. but that does not exist! i suppose that sleep is the next best thing.

but, i am afraid of sleep. i really hate it when i think&think&think and feel&feel&feel and can’t solve the mess in my mind before i fall asleep. i hate it when i wake up the next day and these thoughts and feelings resurface. i am impatient and i need solutions Now. i can’t let this pain linger; it is excruciating.

i think, and then i think too much, and then i think about how i think too much, and then i try to think of a solution to thinking about thinking too much. it is a never-ending process. i fabricate layers and layers of meaning to things, layers that don’t even exist. eventually i will forget what i was even thinking about in the first place.

i don’t even know if dissecting this is healthy or beneficial for me, but i can’t help it. i would like to think that it’s still better than skirting around your issues, not thinking at all. or… maybe… not..?

my goodness. it is foolish to avoid thinking and yet it is foolish to think so much that you open up more cans of worms than you can handle. i need to find a balance, somehow.

for now, raeann, i implore you gently. go, to, bed.