[exeunt]

today, i let go of an Opportunity.

i had a nagging feeling that i should, right from the very beginning. something about it just didn’t sit right with me. it was the way it subtly stood for things i was against. it was the way it highlighted my insecurities. it was the way my heart simply said ‘no’. but i just went along with it, telling myself that i needed to be committed.

i think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when R did her home visit. i told her about it, she paused. “raeann, that sounds like, a lot.”

and yes, it is a lot. a lot for someone who was only discharged three months ago. a lot for someone who is still figuring things out. a lot for someone who is about to resume school. it is a solid Opportunity, but i am privileged enough to be able to take a pause, consider my limitations, and think, “yes, you’re right. it is a lot. maybe too much.”

i wanted a distraction. i wanted something to busy myself with. i have Two Months Left, and despite taking two consecutive years off school, i still haven’t figured out how to grant myself rest. today, a friend said that if i do [something i’ve been meaning to do] next year, i’ll be really busy. i immediately responded with “i like busy!” do i really? have i ever considered that maybe, being too busy was one of the reasons why i broke down?

i need to take things easy. physical rest is one thing, spiritual, mental, and emotional rest is another. i have rested, physically, in the past three months. but i’ve never really engaged in any other type of rest at all.

even God, who is never weary, rested on the seventh day. maybe i should too.

maybe i should take a pause, and revel in all the magnificent things He has done.