(artificial) light

it’s my second time here, and everything is the same. i feel like i am being transported back in time, that it is only july. the routine, the staff, the environment— not much has changed, but i guess i have. i was quite the troublemaker the previous time, and i suppose i still am. but this raeann is a little different. she smiles more. she initiates conversation. she is slower to react. she prays, as always, but this time, she prays with more focus and clarity.

i feel like i’ve taken two steps forward, one step back. the place i’ve so desperately wanted to leave now feels Safe, and i think that may be dangerous. i don’t want to come back here a third, fourth, fifth time. i want to be Out of the system completely. i must not find comfort in the place that has, and will continue to, hurt me.

this place is well-lit, with artificial light. yes, it’s easier to find light in here. it’s easier because for so long, you have focused on the nitty-gritty, and here you can look at the full picture. it’s easier because in a place where everything is on pause, you are trying find hope in an obscure, detached future. of course it’s easy. my lofty dreams are just dreams.

but these dreams are waiting to be accomplished, and time is waiting to be passed. i can’t hide here forever. i need to step out into the sun.

If the future is bright
It doesn’t shine with that “end of the tunnel” light
More like a deer in the headlights
Sudden red lights
Or “you’re dead” lights
As the anglerfish bite

It’s not fair
The past is clear but it’s clear back there
What’s ahead? No one knows
But it’s closing in, we swear
Still not in my prime, I have so much to do
But maybe it’s time to let time pass through

Passing Through (Can’t The Future Just Wait) by Kaden MacKay