a fever dream

these few days have been a fever dream.

i’ve been feeling bursts of joy. a heart-pounding restlessness, a dizzying happiness. a joy that can’t seem to be contained. shy, meek raeann is alive and animated— she is friendly and sociable, she initiates lots of conversation. she is filled with chatter and she talks fast. this raeann thinks that her life is brimming with purpose and meaning. she wakes up at 4am, having slept 4 hours, and immediately starts studying. she is so excited she is practically bouncing off the walls. it feels rather euphoric.

but something is wrong. it felt nice at first but after a while it became scary. this raeann says things she isn’t supposed to say, thinks thoughts she isn’t supposed to think. this raeann thinks she can do anything, and everything. she thinks that she can walk through traffic and all the cars will halt before her. she thinks she can fall off a building and remain unscathed. miracles happen, and she happens to be that miracle. this raeann thinks she is invincible. she is boundless, limitless, uncontrollable. this raeann floats miles above where her body rests.

i am feeling a little less lively than i did yesterday so i suspect that a crash of some sort awaits. but currently, it’s a strange mix of happy and sad. high energy, deep despair. not sure why, but this word keeps popping up in my mind— amphoteric. (side note: i don’t enjoy chemistry.)

we will see how it goes.