chinese satellite

“Took a tour to see the stars
But they weren't out tonight
So I wished hard on a Chinese satellite
I want to believe
Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing
You know I hate to be alone
I want to be wrong” - Phoebe Bridgers

i believe, not because i truly believe, but because i want to believe.

i find peace in believing. i find beauty in clinging onto a Truth that may not be a truth. i find beauty in holding onto a Reality that may not be real. this world is uncertain, undefined, ever-changing. i firmly believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, is truly the way it is. in your version of the world, you pick and choose what you want to believe in— absence of a belief is a belief as well. and in raeann’s world, raeann chooses to believe.

raeann believes there is someone out there. raeann believes there is more to life than this. a someone that defies all human logic and understanding. a someone that is infinitely greater and deeper than the greatest despair, the deepest fear. a someone who is in control when she has none.

perhaps this is the easy way out. admittedly, it probably is. but this is what works for me, and i will not be ashamed of it. this belief has helped me to recover when i was resistant to all else. this belief has changed my worldview one-eighty degrees for the better. this belief has quite simply saved my life.

there is much i do not understand, and much controversy still abounds in my mind.

but even with this minuscule amount of faith, my life has completely changed, and i don’t think it will ever be the same again.