pianissimo

lately, i’ve been experiencing an overwhelming urge to stay silent, or at least as quiet as i could possibly be.

i want to deactivate my social media accounts, delete my messaging apps. i want to confine myself to the four walls of my room and not let anyone in. i want to keep my mouth shut and my head down.

there’s something about having a voice that irks me. no matter how quietly i speak, no matter how gentle my tone, my voice still grates on my ears.

i am tired of expressing needs that will go unmet. i am tired of seeking connections that will never satisfy. this self-indulgence, this narcissism, this conceit has to leave. i wish i were meek, mild, modest. but i am none of those things.

i am wary of the impact i might leave. i am afraid of the ripple i might cause.

i am terrified of having a voice. because all this voice does is plead, and beg, and whine.

i’m not sure why i set an expectation for myself that i could never meet. i know that this is a logical fallacy. but i’ve been the burden for so long, and i am tired of being one. i wonder if staying silent— letting my voice go unheard— would alleviate the situation.

i will test it out; i really hope it works.