i turn 21 today :o)
when i was a child, my birthday was always a great source of excitement. i would wake up giddy with happiness, full of anticipation. i thought my birthday was worth celebrating, and by extension, that i was worth celebrating.
in the midst of my transition from childhood to adulthood however i started intensely dreading my birthday. why would i look forward to celebrating my life when i did not want to exist, did not deserve to exist? i spent my most pivotal birthday—eighteen—in the hospital. at that point in time i felt so far removed from the adult i wanted to be.
but the passage of time which i was trying so hard to run away from would also be the time that brought me healing. i returned home. i met up with friends again. i went back to school. i grew in faith. 19 was still painful, but 20 went by relatively gently, quietly. and now here i am, at 21, sometimes almost feeling the same excitement about turning a year older that i did as a child.
but… i still have a long way to go. most days are still spent curled up in (figurative) cocoons made of swathes of baby powder-scented cotton, my jesus plushie tightly against my chest. most days are spent lost in the greyscale of a rainy day, thoughts floating amongst the thunderclouds where not even the most pleasant scent of petrichor can ground me.
most days i still struggle a struggle that i did not choose but is unfortunately mine to fight. but i am living for the hope that maybe this elusive childlike excitement will return. the gentle light that strays and vanishes and returns.
oh, i am living for the hope of it all! and in my 21st year on earth, one that should be filled with freedom, independence and adulting haha… i pray for unbridled, wonder-filled, authentic joy.
a face in the crowd 