when i was younger, i prided myself on being able to always see the good in people. i constructed an inner world of much amazement and wonder. but the truth is that there was always some skepticism playing out in the background and i just stubbornly refused to acknowledge it. i vehemently believed that everyone did good things (for me) out of kindness. i was extremely afraid to think otherwise.
as the years passed and the depression intensified, the scale tipped. i started questioning everyone around me, worrying about secret judgement and hidden motives. it was like a seed of cynicism was planted deep within me and my eyes were opened to a world of doubt and paranoia.
i still struggle with this today. fearing that compliments are false or that kind acts are done begrudgingly really affects my ability to form a genuine connection with someone else. i desperately want younger raeann’s optimism back, but for some reason i can’t look away from this new set of lenses i’ve been given.
i believe that things, when learnt, cannot be unlearned. but i also believe that things can be relearned. while i may never shake off this skepticism completely, i can relearn how to be optimistic again. to take the leap of faith and trust that god would surround me with the best people.
i suppose the goal in mind is to be a skeptical optimist! it is not fair to others and to myself to continue letting myself get tangled up in this web of false beliefs.
you guys are deserving of my trust. and… and… i am deserving of your love.
a face in the crowd 