fear

i’m afraid of losing what i have now, and of losing things i’ve yet to have. there is this fear bubbling inside me all the time, and sometimes it is hard to shove it deep down within myself and pretend it isn’t there.

i’ve always been very, very anxious, but as irrational as i often am, i think logic grounds me. i need to know what, why, how. as i get older i begin to realise the sheer magnitude of what i do not know and it unsettles me greatly… i think i’m impatient. i want to be in the know. i want to climb out of the pit of irrationality i have fallen into. i wish i were… wiser. calmer. stronger. there are some things i know i can only learn with time but the impatient part of me wants to get to that stage, now. i told Z i wish i were more mature, and she laughed at me. “no one your age has life figured out,” she said. oops!!!! i am overly jumpy and jittery about it i think. perhaps i need to Trust in the universe, and Trust that i will eventually get to where i’m meant to be.

i will probably look back at this and laugh. every year, i think of what i’ve been like the past year and c r i n g e. i’ll probably feel the same next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. i think it’s good to recognise that i have (i hope?) grown, but maybe it’s not so good to be embarrassed about the person i once was (or maybe still am). i need to learn to be comfortable with myself, past and present… :O i am still very painfully insecure about who i am.

but i know (because Wise People have told me,) it’ll get better with time.