march holidays! i dislike routine but at the same time, i don’t know what i’d do without it. i want to do everything and nothing. i want to sit at my desk and race through all my work, and go out and do things, and talk to people. but at the same time i want to lie in bed, drift in and out of sleep. i want to make origami mindlessly. watch unbreakable kimmy schmidt on netflix, head empty.

it feels like i have an infinite things to do (even if i don’t) and i’m not quite sure how to break everything down. sometimes i break my tasks down into the tiniest steps and still i am overwhelmed. i tell myself, 1) stand up. 2) walk to your desk. 3) pick up the pen. 4) write. it takes way more effort than it should. :•( but i will have to push myself if i want to win this battle someday.

not being told what to do means having to think of something to do by yourself. it’s scary to think (about anything at all) sometimes. but last year i succumbed to the illness. this year i will not do it again.

here’s a funny story, today my phone screen cracked. we were climbing up the stairs to level four and in my arms were my file, my graphing calculator, my pencil case, and my phone. but then i stumbled and watched helplessly as my phone fell out of my arms, slip through a gap in the railing, down, down, down. it landed on the ground floor with a resounding boom. hahaha i swear i saw my life flash before my eyes.

there was no way my phone would survive a three-storey drop. my friends and i raced downstairs. someone grabbed my phone off the floor and i held my breath: the moment of truth!!! he tapped on the screen, and it lit up.

“dude, you’re so lucky.”

i am!!! i’m typing this on my phone right now; the screen is a little bit wonky but everything is still completely functional. what are the chances? i had a flimsy phone case and no screen protector. my phone should have !shattered! into pieces (okie i know that’s not how it works, but ahhh yes i really did expect worse)

i constantly worry that improbably terrible things will happen. maybe i’ve forgotten that improbably good things can happen too.

i had a jacket buddy today. i told her, “i don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go long-sleeveless”, and she said “okay, let’s be jacket buddies!”

it was so uncomfortable wearing a jacket while doing PE, but she was willing to be uncomfortable with me. we played hard and we laughed hard..! i think it may have been one of my favourite-est PE lessons ever… :^)

i am very, very blessed to have her as a friend…

today i am unlovably ill, and i think… people still loved me in spite of it.

1. breakfast; my mum made a sandwich for me with the last two slices of bread.

2. math; my classmate laughed when i told him i hadn’t completed the homework. he understood, and he covered for me.

3. general paper; my deskmate stuck a post-it on my arm with a note, “you’re important”.

4. lunch; spent time with people i love and whom (i think,i hope) love me too.

5. a strange series of nice texts from friends old and new; (a) “u can text me anytime okay!” // (b) “anytime u wna talk lets just meet hahaha :)” // (c) “u are enough bb”. i listened to them, they listened to me.

6. my sister ran to me and gave me a hug.

7. a conversation about colours. “you like pink, i don’t like pink, but that doesn’t mean pink is a bad colour.” (if you are pink, why try to be blue?)

8. the clouds

what does it mean to do something out of obligation? for so long, i’ve been worried about the nature of my relationship with anyone, everyone. do they genuinely like me for who i am? do they truly enjoy my company? (because sick raeann believes: what is there to like?) are they being nice to me because they don’t have a choice? i have a (terrible!horrible!) delusion, that everyone who loves me does so out of kindness. out of obligation.

i am afraid of having a voice. i am afraid of voluntarily sharing things about myself, of telling others about my needs. i’m afraid of needing anything, even though the act of needing is in itself a basic human need. i wonder if there are people who genuinely want to listen to what i have to say. how do you tell if someone does? the line between rationality and delusion can get a little blurry.

i tend to dehumanise myself. last year, Z asked me what i thought of myself. sick raeann said, a monster. a parasite. sometimes i forget that i am not. this year, i hurt someone by saying that everyone around me would be happier if i wasn’t here. i’d indirectly rejected everyone’s love with that one line.

today, i opened up to a (veryveryvery)good friend about what i’ve been thinking about, and she reminded me that love is never obliging. you cannot be obliged to give love. and so, i must learn how to receive it. (REMEMBER THIS raeann)

i (and everyone) deserves to be loved.

1. find a quiet room

2. meditate. (“stop, breathe, think”) remember what you were taught?

3. repeat (no. 2) if you’re still dizzy/ if your heart is still pounding/ if you’re still shaking/ if you feel like you’re floating*

*if you are dissociated, consider taking a nap

4. ask yourself, why are you feeling this way? (neutral thoughts only. don’t descend into a downward spiral.)

5. rationalise! think rationally! you can do it

6. breathe, remember that this will pass! ride the wave. (you can stay on this step for as long as it takes) (consider talking to someone.)

7. yay you’re not sick anymore!

you need to do it alone. you are wobbling in your kayak and your arms are so heavy you can barely lift the paddle, but some things you need to do alone. ignore the unease stewing deep within your gut. we are all having a hard time, it’s not just you. you are not special. the sea is rocky and the sky is foggy and you are lost, but you have to make do. you have no choice but to just keep paddling. tell the illness to shut up. i am not going to drown in its poison, i will keep afloat. the island in front of me is an indistinct, blurry blob but it’s there. it’ll take me a long time but i’ll get there. i’ll reach the shore one day.

this year, i’ve gotten to know someone like me. the similarities are glaring… we did well in lower secondary, got into a so-called “special” programme, struggled with mental health, dropped out. the only difference is, he is a boy.

i think i am very, very lucky that i’m a girl. i remember the first time he texted me, saying, “I know it’s weird but I need to talk, if I’m left alone for too long I think I’ll crumble.” i barely knew who he was, only his name. he told me about how toxic his high school culture was, how lonely he felt. i am (largely) given the liberty to be as emotional as i want, express how i feel as much as i want. i’ve learnt that he isn’t so lucky.

this year, i’ve learnt to be a lot quieter. to keep most of my poisoned thoughts to myself. there are battles i need to learn how to fight on my own. when do you ask for help? when do you grit your teeth and deal with things yourself? i wonder if it’s better to explode or implode. i still can’t tell.

i hope i’ll have an answer soon.

(05/03/20, thursday – went to Kindred Folk with kindred folk)

as things change, and change, and change, some things stay the same. the café is still there! the truffle mac and cheese still as good! the hammock, swaying gently in the corner…

today i am reminded that things will never be the same again. but i’ve also been reminded that this change is not a death sentence. the one concrete thing that connected us is a thing of the past, but we are still connected in many, many different ways… for instance, our love for truffle mac and cheese. :—)

some fleeting thoughts:

#1 this morning my civics (and literature) tutor came into class with a small stack of papers. he said, “let’s start the day on a positive note!” we’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, and he had written personalised notes for every one of us… our class spent most of the period writing notes for one another and it was a very, very nice way to start the day.

#2 had lunch with my sister and dad, which is an incredibly rare occurrence. we are always so busy. i have this, she has that, and on weekdays i usually return home just in time for dinner. i think i’ll try to reserve mondays for family.

#3 i am done with an assignment that is due next week! granted, it was a creative writing thing so i already was quite eager to do it… but i finished it! early! i’m getting better. my passion for poetry is greater than my illness.

#4 it’s been a while since i’ve really really talked to someone. i’ve been writing almost every day, but it doesn’t feel the same. i may need to see Z soon, and that’s okay.

#5 a verse for today,

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬