i didn’t go to school today…

there was ash in our hair and wax on our hands.

i don’t necessarily believe in what mahmah believes… :” but…

it was very nice to spend time with her.

somehow, i feel a whole lot better.

hell week manifested itself in the form of two essay tests and not enough Time. it was the severed squirrel?some rodent? limb we found along the corridor. it was the good luck messages left on read. it was the erratic weather! sweltering one day and freezing the next…

it has been a dreadful week for many of us, but i am content :o)

i see bits of myself in klaus hargreeves, in leonard bast, in willy loman, in sentaro tsujii,

in theodore finch, in anne shirley, in constance contraire,

in keiko furukura, in yeong-hye, in billy prior,

in elizabeth allen, in jay gatsby, in jenna hunterson, in evan hansen,

in ellie chu, in neville longbottom, in craig gilner,

…

i’ve been trying to accept my differences.

i forgot to take my meds before i left for school and that made me feel a little… off. during the flag-raising i couldn’t help but cringe when the commands were given. it was all so loud. and when we were singing the national anthem all i could focus on was the sound of the cymbals crashing in the background. it made my heart pound & i wanted to run away. sometimes i don’t quite understand why god created me because i am… such a wimp… yikes…

last year i read sweet bean paste by durian sukegawa (/tetsuya akikawa) and i really, really loved it. ;u; it made me cry so much. there was one part of the book i particularly loved. i remember holding my breath when i read it for the first time and i immediately went back to read it again.

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From then on, I began to see everything differently. If I were not here, this full moon would not be here. Neither would the trees. Or the wind. If my view of the world disappears, then everything that I see disappears too. It’s as simple as that.

…

I began to understand that we were born in order to see and listen to the world. And that’s all the world wants of us. It doesn’t matter that I was never a teacher or a member of the workforce, my life had meaning.

…

Sentaro, your life is meaningful too.

…

You may never become a writer or a master doriyaki cook, but I do believe there will be a time when you can stand tall as yourself in your own unique way.

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it reminds me of something my mum used to say a lot… “the origin of beauty is simplicity”. sick raeann thinks she is wimpy and mediocre and a good-for-nothing but that is untrue because no one is, and i am not an exception.

we all have beauty. i must not overcomplicate things. i am (say it!!!!!!!)… beautiful.

is irrational. it isn’t even possible if you don’t even know what it means to experience life ‘correctly’. you fixate on the need to fix yourself even when there isn’t anything inherently wrong with you to begin with. the only thing stopping you is your own beliefs.” (i am spending all my time and energy on repetitive behaviour that is ultimately meaningless. this is my fatal flaw.)

i got lost in bugis and i think i must have been a strange sight (a disheveled girl in school uniform desperately clinging onto her wonky umbrella). i decided to go to the pita bakery after school (i had a strange craving for hummus), and somehow i got lost on the way back. i’ve been feeling absent all day.

i walked back and forth along the same street, second-guessing myself. i was feeling strangely overwhelmed by [the torrential rain/ the weight of my backpack/ the stinging pain in my wrist/ the dampness of my socks/ the looseness of my skirt/ the flimsiness of my umbrella]. i guess i got distracted. i forgot that i was supposed to be finding my way.

i’ve been very forgetful as of late. i’ve forgotten how to stay present, and i’ve forgotten how to write. i’m glad i’m writing now; maybe i haven’t forgotten after all. remember, your thoughts are not supposed to be Frightening and Powerful and Out-Of-Control. they can be easily transferred onto a sheet of paper.

i wonder if i’ll ever be good enough for myself. i’ve been underperforming consistently for the past two years and the guilt of being unable to maximise my own potential has been getting to me. (the guilt, it …sits on my shoulders…) i know i can be doing better, and i know i am letting people down. i used to be somewhat ambitious but not anymore. i am relieved when i scrape a pass on a test, or when i manage to lug myself to school. i’m quite proud of myself for surviving the past seven months. i’m proud of my (almost perfect) attendance.

but i am surrounded by people who are striving for the best and it feels wrong to be celebrating little victories. the anguish i’m experiencing feels so wrong and it makes me so ashamed. is it okay if my goal for this year is to just survive? i don’t particularly want any As (though they would be nice). i mostly just want to feel Okay again.

i don’t really know why i’m crying oops! in hindsight, i think i have come quite a long way. :> i don’t know why i’m so desperate for validation when i Know that i am Definitely better now. maybe it’s because i’ve been feeling a little lonely.

i’ve been carrying two years’ worth of guilt on my shoulders. i will try my !best! this year, and hopefully ‘two’ won’t turn into ‘three’. (& if it does, i will try again next year.) i am not alone, i am not alone.

(thank you for being here with me.)

today, Z reminded me that my thoughts are only thoughts, that they are real but not true. i must learn to be a passive observer, to listen to the voice but not be immediately trusting of it. my mind and self are disconnected right now but that’s okay. it will get better one day.

recently life has been feeling quite empty and meaningless. i feel like george wilson in the valley of ashes. :^( the days are incredibly long and yet there is never enough time to do what i need to do. i feel like my heart has been racing consistently the entirety of this year, a strange fluttery sensation in my chest.

i have been cynical and pessimistic and distrustful of the world (& god). it is a little difficult to be grateful when everything is coming at me so quickly, so forcefully. but i must remember that there is so much to be grateful for, there really is…

recently i’ve been feeling happy, and it is absolutely euphoric! yesterday i felt happy when my mum gave me a hug. today i felt happy while talking to my friends over skype. it’s been a while since i’ve been able to clearly identify Happiness as an emotion i’m experiencing. (a tiny burst of excitement, a genuine urge to smile) have you been happy recently? are you happy right now? i hope you are.

happiness is such a privilege(!) and i am so, so grateful for these fleeting moments of happiness. happiness is so hard to come by… sometimes when i’m really sick, it feels like my brain is completely devoid of serotonin :0 feeling sad, with no discernible reason, is confusing and lonely. i wonder how many people feel lonely in this very moment.

i trust that there is meaning to my sadness even if i might not understand it! and the same goes for anger. jealousy. frustration… i must remind myself that all these emotions are part of the Human Experience and it’s more than ok to feel these emotions.

i’m so glad i can feel.