tonight i tried to force myself to write. (i failed.) when i’m ill, expressing myself seems a lot Harder. but i will make myself write this anyway.

there are a lot of things about myself that i know i ought to confront, but i think i’m too scared to. (* ***** * ***** **** ** ****** ********) there, i’ve acknowledged what i’ve been worrying about, even if only for myself. and i feel better already :•)

it’s the 24th of may, which means i have a week left! i wonder if i’ll spend it purposefully, meaningfully. i hope i do. there’s so much and so little i can do in a week. oops, maybe i’m overthinking it. maybe i’ll just focus on Tomorrow instead, even though the idea of tomorrow feels daunting as well.

i’ve noticed that i am afraid of sleeping. i’m afraid of the nightmares, and i’m afraid of speeding up time. sick raeann believes that if i sleep now, i’m making Tomorrow come even quicker. i must remember a new day and a fresh start is nothing to fear. things can only get better with time. why do i want to stay stuck in Today? remember: maybe Tomorrow will be a better day.

(when i’m stuck with a day / that’s grey / and lonely / i just stick out my chin / and grin / and say… / oh! / the sun’ll come out / tomorrow)

i keep waking up in the middle of the night lately, always around three in the morning. how odd! it is 2.52am right now and i am wide awake, hahaha. my chest feels funny and for some reason it’s hard to breathe, but at the same time it feels nice, because it is dark and it is calm.

sleep has never been a friend. tonight, i am reminded of sibu. on the first day, at pulau kukus, i woke up abruptly at 2am. my friends in my tent were asleep and i was shaking silently. i was feeling Afraid, and Alone. i guess these are the two emotions i’m feeling now too. i sat in the tent for a while, but after some time all i could notice was how hot and cramped it felt, how small and stifling this little space was. i slipped out of the tent and sat by the sea for about an hour or so. i listened to the tide ebb and flow, my breath in sync with the waves.

we are all stuck in tents lately, and i’m not sure why i keep staying in mine. there’s no one stopping me, but me. every morning i wake up, thinking to myself, “today is the day i will leave”. for some reason i never do. i think i’m afraid of the vastness of the Outside. it’s like i am both claustrophobic and agoraphobic at the same time.

but that’s very silly! there is nothing to fear! why am i afraid of where i belong? the earth (all of it…) is our Home and it is silly that i’m afraid of even crossing the road. why do i keep worrying that i have no place in this world? i am human. i am human. i belong.

tomorrow, i will (definitely) go on a walk.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said about seeing and not seeing. I had a painting teacher once tell me that the difference between a good painting and a great painting is typically five strokes. And they’re usually the five boldest strokes in the painting. The question, of course, is which five strokes?”

“I get it. After one’s slaved away at making a pretty good painting, the last thing you’d want to do is make a bold stroke and potentially—”

“—ruin everything.”

---

“Everything beautiful is ruined eventually. Maybe that’s the thing. If you do ruin your painting, you got to know you have everything in you to get to that pretty good painting again.”

“But if you never do the bold stroke…”

“You’ll never know if you could’ve had a great painting.”

i’ve been avoiding writing recently because my thoughts feel small and insignificant. sometimes i wonder why i bother to write about my battles when they are so incredibly trivial in the grand scheme of things. i think i feel a lot of guilt over writing about myself. i must remember that this is irrational, and that there is nothing wrong with having an outlet for your thoughts. there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself. that’s what i would tell a friend, and so that’s what i should be telling myself too.

i’m so glad it’s the last week of home-based learning, but i’m not so glad about the amount of work we have to do. i’m still really bad at completing tasks and just staring at my to-do list makes my head swim. there really is no reason for me to be this anxious, though, and i’m trying to convince myself that i’ll manage. i am counting down the days until the may holiday. just a couple more days left…

…but “a couple more days” feels strangely daunting as well.

it’s okay. i will break it down. one day at a time, one hour at a time. i will learn how to make things manageable for myself. i am trying to unlearn thinking in extremes. a couple of assignments ≠ needing to drop out. i am stronger than sick raeann and i will not let her take over.

yesterday, i left my home for the first time in… wow, eleven days! it was just so i could go to the supermarket/pet store across the road and pick up some things.

as i walked along the aisles, i felt a strange sensation that i have not felt in a while now. i felt like i was floating… my heart was beating quickly, oddly, and everything around me seemed so crisp and vivid and bright. maybe i am too used to the sanctuary that is my home. it was as if i was feeling afraid of being outside.

but it is likely that i’m overthinking it! the last time i was truly afraid of stepping out of our home was probably when i was thirteen… back when the floaty feelings were at its peak. but i don’t really have to deal with derealisation anymore. here’s a reminder that it is okay to feel strange during this strange period of self-quarantine! let yourself feel the Strangeness without guilt! you are human and it is normal to find yourself reacting (perhaps subconsciously) to change.

the news has been making my heart feel heavy, everyday i wait anxiously for the cna telegram notification to pop up on my phone. it is scary to know about what’s happening in the dorms, especially in sungei tengah lodge. these are people i have interacted with, and some of them are likely in the hospital now.

i pray that things get better soon, for us. for them, across the road. for everyone.

(one week into hbl…)

#1 today i realised that i absolutely hate afternoons, which is irrational. i am perpetually at my worst in the afternoon: unfocused, sluggish, sad.

maybe i am too future-orientated. i can’t seem to focus on the Present, it just feels too unnatural for me. i spend my mornings thinking about the rest of the day, and my nights thinking about tomorrow. the afternoon, the dreaded in-between, scares me. i’m bad at action. i think, but i don’t do. maybe this is my fatal flaw. i live my life in a frenzy, not focusing on what i should do Now, but what i can do Next.

but i really shouldn’t worry about reaching the end when my journey has barely begun. maybe i will try to live my life in hours and not days. let’s see how that works out tomorrow (in five hours’ time…)

#2 i rely heavily on routine, and it scares me how quickly things can change. the life i know now can be uprooted in an instant. just like that. every day i can’t help but notice Changes, no matter how minute they may be.

but the sun rises and sets, and rises and sets, every single day! i find that very, very comforting.

the weather hasn’t been ideal lately, it is hot and humid and gloomy. the insects are back; i see flies hovering around the lights in the corridors; maybe even they know they ought to stay indoors, too. today marks the fourth day (96hours consecutively!!!wow…) at home.

staying at home has made me more Aware of things. i am aware of the way the bedroom door creaks, (only when you leave the room, not enter it) and exactly what sound it makes (a high-pitched squeak, then a slightly lower-pitched one). i am aware of the spontaneous rattle of the aircon, the low intermittent rumble of the laundry machine. these are things i never really noticed until now. i was always in a frenzy, rushing in and out of our home (to school/from school/for this/for that). i’ve forgotten how to slow down. to practise mindfulness. maybe we all have.

it is strange, the idea of having to stay in this small space for the next couple of weeks. but i am privileged, because i can call this small space my beloved Home, and it is a privilege to be able to stay home anyway.

i miss the beach! i miss the sand and the waves and the breeze! i miss the park and its tall formidable trees! it’s sad i won’t be able to go to my Favourite Places anytime soon. (though then again, i think home is also a Favourite Place?) but maybe this is a challenge to learn to find peace within… myself.

i’ve been waiting all my life… seventeen years (and counting). i will continue to wait. life is all about waiting. there are people who have waited all their life only for it to end too quickly. i should be grateful i still have a chance to prove myself. i will spite the illness. i will make things okay. it will be my ultimate act of defiance.

it is a trying period. starlings congregate

on a roof in the distance. it is silent.

we love each other quietly, in our separate

rooms. it’s all we can do.

---

our world has been reduced

to the four walls of our rooms. mundane

mondays morph into transient tuesdays into…

wait, what day is it? i don’t quite remember.

---

starlings congregate on a roof in the distance,

then disperse. it is a trying period.

but a window lights up. and another. and

another. it is dark. it is silent.

---

abruptly, the applause

rings out.

i’ve been worrying so much about tomorrow, that tomorrow has turned into Today. i am not going to turn this into another sleepless night. i know better than to let my mind wander.

tomorrow(today) i will get some News, and the outcome is very, very important to me. tomorrow(today) will determine the rest of my tomorrows, for the next 1.5 years. it’s very daunting to think about it in this way.

but i must remember that i have done my part, i have said what i wanted to say. there is nothing more i can do to change their decision, at least not for now, in this very moment. all i can do right now is sleep. and wait for the time to come.

i will put my phone away! i will rest! and tomorrow(today), we will fight again.