my sister sang a funny tune today, a song with random syllables and gibberish words.

i asked her if the song meant anything, and she said i wouldn’t understand because i didn’t speak her made-up language. language is such a strange thing! just last year i had a heated debate with my classmates about whether language is necessary for rational thought. i was quite certain that it was.

now, i’m not so sure. recently i read somewhere that people think in both words and images, and there are people who think in one but not the other. apparently, not everyone has an internal monologue and have to consciously verbalise their thoughts! and on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who can’t see images in their heads at all!!! it’s so interesting… maybe that explains why my brain feels so fuzzy sometimes. it’s hard for me to put my thoughts into words, if some of them weren’t even based on words to begin with.

isn’t it lonely, to realise that no one will ever truly understand the weight of your words? a good good friend of mine has reminded me that i have no control over how i exist in someone else’s mind. what i write or say will never accurately reflect what i think, but then again, do i really truly understand my thoughts in the first place? probably not…

Every sha-la-la-la

Every wo-o-wo-o, still shines

Every shing-a-ling-a-ling, that they’re startin’ to sing’s, so fine

Yesterday Once More, Carpenters

it’s been a week of many firsts! the school is so big, and i am so small. it’s so easy to feel lost and alone. i got lost the other day trying to find my classroom in the maze of stairs and corridors. it doesn’t feel nice, to be lost in a place that is supposedly your second home.

but remember that we are lost, together. these are people i’ve known for two weeks, and surprisingly some of them have been quite eager to share things about themselves that i would’ve never dared to talk about… the power of vulnerability. :- ) maybe it’s sometimes easier to share things about yourself with a stranger.

i miss my secondary school dearly… sometimes, during the school day, i catch a glimpse of the red clock tower and its blue domed roof. so close yet so far. my current school is just across the road from my secondary school and yet they are worlds apart. everything here is so… different. the change is exciting yet incredibly scary.

i feel like i am trapped on a swing, with high highs and low lows. i am sad! happy! anxious!excited! it is confusing to feel all these feelings at once. but it’s also comforting to know that everything i feel is valid. :•)

(i’m not alone.)

today i ate lunch with new friends, people i barely know… we sat in our booth for two hours, laughing over onion rings and french fries. i’m glad i’m not as socially inept as i think i am, haha! (remember, beware of false narratives.)

hi, i’m raeann. what’s your name? how are you? i’m glad you say you’re good (though there is no telling if you actually are…) what cca are you in? that’s cool! i’m in art club. what’s your subject combination? oh, i’m taking helm too. do you do anything outside of school? i hope i get to know you better over the next two years…

…

…

…

the conversation always starts like this, but somehow (i’m hoping) the small talk works.

i’ll give everyone (and myself) a chance.

the atmosphere at home feels a little tense because of X reasons. i stayed in bed, drifting in and out of sleep. i had several strange dreams, including a particularly vivid nightmare about being chased by a sword-wielding serial killer who was trying to behead me.

i feel extremely fragile today and normally i would hate myself for it. but not this time! today i am proud of myself because: 1. i eventually got out of bed, 2. i did the things i had to do, and most importantly 3. i said yes when he asked me if i was going to school tomorrow. even though i really wanted to say no.

i will not let the illness win.

(totally not a taylor swift lyric haha…ha..ha)

i think the balcony is my favourite part of our home. i like the roughened popcorn wall and its faded blue paint! i like the slightly crumbled ceiling! when i was really young my mum would set up a tent in the balcony and i would lie in it for hours, playing… cloud games??? i would see shapes in the clouds and create stories out of what i saw. it was thoroughly entertaining :O

our balcony has no windows. when it rains it can get kind of annoying because it would splash in a lot, especially if the wind was strong. but i like that it is windowless. sometimes a bird will fly in and if i stay silent, it will stay for a little while before it flies off again. there’s so much i can see from the balcony… i can watch the sun rise and set. i can (if i’m lucky!) see the stars at night. sometimes maybe even a rainbow. i can watch people living in the opposite block walk along the corridors, watering their plants, hanging their laundry out to dry (oops i probably sound really creepy haha!!! but i like people-watching).

today my chest felt kind of funny. i could feel my heart pounding the whole day, which is odd because there isn’t really much to worry about, at least not yet. i sat in the balcony for a couple of minutes and it made me feel calm.

i think i may have hurt someone with my words today. as someone who feels comfortable around words, i sure am not very good with them. i gave her a compliment and it was misunderstood as a confrontation..(?) i accidentally made her feel vulnerable, even though that wasn’t the intention at all. :<

friendships are so tricky. it feels like i never know what to say, when to say. am i bothering this person too much, or am i being too aloof? should i tease her, or should i keep my snarky jokes to myself and just be nice? i think i overthink every tiny interaction i have with someone else. i hope what i do or say doesn’t make a lasting impact and yet at the same time, it would be scary if i didn’t make one at all. i wonder if this comment makes a difference. i wonder if that text meant anything. maybe it’s easier to not talk at all.

i tried that before. when i was young, i refused to talk to people i didn’t know. i think i had selective mutism of some sort (?) i was afraid to greet uncles/aunts, i could barely say “新年快乐” to certain relatives without bursting into tears. when i was seven, it took me almost a year to say a single word to my abacus teacher. i remember how proud she was then, giving me a huge smile and a high five. all because i said a simple hello.

things have gotten better, but i still struggle with talking to people a lot of the time. and it’s especially hard this year because i am thrust into an environment with new people, where no one knows my name and i know no one’s. my class of 25 feels so big, too big. i miss secondary school, when there were fourteen people in my class. when i knew everyone, and everyone knew me. but i have to remember that i walked into that class not knowing most of them too. it took time for me to be as close as i am to them now. it always takes time.

i am terrible at confrontation and maybe that’s why i go to such extreme lengths to avoid it. i hate the idea of being a cause of conflict or unhappiness… :_( i think that’s why i overthink everything so much. i don’t want to spread negativity. if i could survive this way, i would keep every ounce of my poisoned thoughts within my brain.

but man is by nature a social animal!!!! if i keep everything to myself i would probably implode. i think that’s why i enjoy writing here so much. it’s so cathartic. :>

(two steps forward, one step back, but two steps forward again. )

somewhere along the way, i’ve lost my joy of learning. tonight i have two econs essays to write, several history worksheets to complete, a poem to analyse, math notes to read… i am tired. i wonder when schoolwork became synonymous with torture.

it wasn’t always like this. schoolwork has never felt so painful until in recent years. i used to find joy in learning something new, mulling over it in my head and thinking, “oh wow that makes sense!” i wonder where that satisfaction has gone.

i think i’ve subconsciously forgotten what learning is supposed to be like. learning isn’t just about the grade— i say it all the time, and yet i’ve never fully internalised it. i tell others to find joy in learning, to not hate school so much, when in reality i detested school, i detested the tests (haha), i detested the homework. school became nothing but an unbearably annoying chore, alongside folding the laundry or doing the dishes.

for so long i ignored the fact that i couldn’t really find meaning in going to school anymore. i went on auto-pilot, learning things not because i felt like i needed/wanted to, but because i had to. the only reason i was still studying was for the grade. and when my grades started slipping, that’s when everything spiralled.

i have developed an obsession with perfection. every word i write has to be perfect. i have to understand everything i read perfectly. if i can’t do something perfectly, i don’t see the point in doing it at all. i think in an extreme, all-or-nothing way and this has made me ill. but there is no room for perfection in learning. learning is about failing, about making mistakes and trying again. learning isn’t supposed to be easy. i am bolding it so i can look back on this and remember >:•( sigh.

i have learnt to be perfectionistic and it’s something i need to unlearn. i think unlearning might be even harder than learning… i will be patient with myself, because even while unlearning, i will inevitably make mistakes too.(there’s no room for perfection in unlearning).

i hope i get my joy of learning back soon.

my illness ebbs and flows like the tide. tonight, i am doing well, which is nice! the nights usually are the worst, but not this time.

i don’t like that i need to focus on myself so much. i wish my energy could be spent on other things, on the people around me. there’s so much more i could do if my state of mind wasn’t so volatile and unpredictable. how do you fix something that is invisible?

here’s a reminder that while your pain is not your fault, your healing is your responsibility. while i am well i will radiate as much warmth and happiness as i can. and when i inevitably fall ill again, i will wait, patiently, for the cycle to renew.

Psalms 4:8 — I will lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

i will cling onto faith even as the waves of unpredictability come for me again, and again, and again.

i don’t have much to say today, but i shall write anyway because i don’t want stale (negative) thoughts floating around in my brain. i just skyped old friends a while ago and my heart is aching. there is so much that i miss. nostalgia is such a lovely but painful emotion.

the change is so unbearable that i feel like leaving, but i think i would leave if everything stayed the same too. it is a lose-lose situation; the black dog taints everything… and so these changes are painful yet necessary! not that i can prevent them from happening anyway.

there is nothing to do right now but wait. i am waiting for X results, for lessons to begin, i am waiting to get to know my classmates better. i am stuck in a dreadfully long queue and the waiting time is indefinite. hopefully one day i’ll feel at home here, but even if i don’t, i guess that’s okay.

i think i am lacking in patience, every school day feels as long and tiring as a 3d2n school camp. i hope i won’t crumble anytime soon. yesterday i had a not-so-good dream (ok, a Bad dream) about getting taken over by sick raeann. i know it’s just a dream but even writing about it now makes me feel very uneasy. one wrong step and things may spiral again. ahhh!!!! (but nevertheless i will try to trust in You)

one hill, one valley, one day at a time.

(look around you!!! it’s so painful but there are so many people walking with you!)

i am so incredibly lucky and a part of me feels guilty for being this lucky. i’ve been blessed with amazing friendsfamilyteachersmentors and it makes me sad how some of my friends haven’t been as lucky as i have been. (remember raeann!there is so much you should be grateful for.)

real raeann knows she’s been really, really lucky but sick raeann is so blind. >:•( i cannot listen to her lies. i am very very very very very very loved.

i can’t wait for my heart to be whole again. i can feel it repairing itself, slowly. the numbness is fading, i’ve been feeling more and more alive. it’s so nice to feel happy again and i want to spread it so badly……… i hope the people around me are as loved as i am. i hope they know that i’m there for them, too.

the sky has been so pretty lately.